The majority of most Americans have sleeping problems. This is evident in the data I have gather from countless hours of inteligel and sleep-number bed commercials. According to a international sobakawa pillow expert the most important aspect of a healthy sleep system is "ZU-KAN-SOKU-NETSU", but I will put to you in the following essay that more important is a flat sleeping surface.
For the last 6 months or so Becky and I have been trying to find a new bed, ours doesn't cut the mustard. The reason it doesn't have any good mustard cutting abilities (Tim Kring, give me a call) is because it has a westward slant. This could be useful if I was stranded in the Andes with nothing but my mattress to guide me, but for sleeping... NOPE! It's like sleeping on a trampoline every night, an evil trampoline that has no middle, just an endless mobius strip of slantiness. I have to fight against this slope or face the floor smacking consequences. I have tried to come up with some possible solutions. I tried to find those astronaut sleep harness things, but apparently you have to have been to the moon at least twice to get on the catalog mailing list. I also thought of velcroizing the bed, but i sleep in the nude and that means only one part of me would have the necessary velcro bonding attributes (the pubey part). We figured that the best solution would be to simply buy a new bed.
But lo! A revelation came to me as it were a night vision. It hit me like a ton of epiphanies, check the frame. Check the frame indeed I did, and to my chagrin, the box spring was all skiddywompum on the frame. We don't need a new bed. Over six months I've been in a perpetual night-time slide, and I never thought to readjust the frame. Who's the dope? This guy, he's the dope.
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